Wednesday, February 18, 2009

He's Just Not That Into Me

So last night my friend Em and I went to see He's Just Not That Into You. If you haven't seen this movie yet and you do want to see it, then you probably shouldn't read this because I'm going to give everything away. I'm a dirty whore like that. In other words:


I spoil everything. Also, I love the word spoil. It could be my favorite word.

Moving on.

This movie taught me a few things:
# 1. I'm in love with Scarlett Johansson.
Her character in the movie was pretty much me. Except, she's, you know, way hotter. And she's ends up alone. Which brings me to...

# 2. I'm going to end up alone.
At the insistent coaxing of friends I completed a profile quizzy thingamabob on eHarmony. I cringe just telling you this story b/c I'm not really the online dating kind of gal. But whatever, it was free. After spending what felt like 45 minutes of my time filling this stupid profile quiz out, eHarmony told me that I was one of the 20% of people who is not compatible with anyone. Hey, eHarmony? Let's play a little game called 'hide and go fuck yourself'.

Anywhosits, Scarlett plays this smoking hot lady who falls in love with a smoking hot guy who is married. He's all: 'I don't do this' and she's all: 'I want to dry hump you'. You can probably guess the rest but I'm going to tell you anyway. He's got some contact with some dude who can help her singing career and after they successfully meet with said dude they go back to his office and start to eff on his desk when:

Knock knock.

It's his smokin hot wife. Scarlett hides in the closet (because we ALL have closets in our offices... how convenient). Smokin hot wife proceeds to lock the door and tries to seduce husband because, as the wife mentioned in an earlier scene, they never have sex anymore. He finds a way to get her to leave after promising he loves her but just doesn't wanna bang in his office at this moment (read: my smokin hot mistress is half naked in the closet listening to our entire conversation). Wife feels rejected and generally bad about herself but leaves. Scarlett storms out of closet half naked and tells smokin hot married dude that he'll never touch her again.

Flash to the end of the movie... wife decides she's had it and leaves husband. Husband and Scarlett do not get together, they both end up alone.

# 3. If your husband refuses to have sex with you in his office, it's either because a) his smoking hot mistress is in the closet or b) she's somewhere else. There's also a c) he's gay.

Why didn't anyone tell me this 3 years ago!?!?!?!?

Anecdote: It was a sunny fall Saturday about a year or two ago and my husband (at the time) and I decided to stroll around downtown Philadelphia. He needed to pick something up from his office and so we went in. I'd never been in his office before (as I was never invited). He was showing me around and then, I don't know, fiddling with something in his desk when I had an idea.

Me: "We should totally do it in here."
Him: "Uh..."
Me: "It's Saturday, no one is here! We'll just close the door."
Him: "Errrr...."
Me: "Okay, fine, we'll even lock it just in case."
Him: "Nahhh, I don't think so..."
Me {thinking to myself}: But we haven't had sex in... this decade.
Me: "No? You sure? It would be hot!"
Him: "No, I don't want to"
Me: *Bang*

If your husband won't have sex with you...

Now my husband didn't have a closet in his office so that rules choice A out of the scenario. Whether or not C is a viable option is still up for debate. So that really leaves B.

The beauty of this whole scene is that I've been on both sides of that proverbial closet door. And they both suck. What also sucked was the lady sitting next to me in the movie theater. She screamed things like 'Bitch!' and 'Whore!' to the screen whenever Scarlett was flauting her sexy self all over Bradley Cooper. Umm.. Lady? I'm identifiying over here. Get off your moral high horse. It's a fucking movie. A movie that happens to be my life. In order to shut her up, I did what any self respecting girl would do... I flirted with her husband.

I kid.

He was ugly.

In other news, a guy friend of mine (hi, EP) thinks I'm a totally pathetic loser and has decided to fix me up with a friend of his. I've never been on a blind date before. I'm scared. More on that developing story later...

For now, here's a gratuitous photo of my lady lover, Scarlett Johansson.

Scarlett - I'm not a lesbian or anything? But um... call me.